The Crow and The Powderpuff 1000 Fan Giveaway

Go check out Lady Crow and her 1000 follower giveaway. It is absolutely amazing. The number of product/samples she is offering to the winners is intense.

http://ladycrowx.blogspot.com/2011/10/1000-followers-celebration-giveaway.html

Months of Not Posting

Sorry for that everyone. I've been rather busy with cleaning up this huge mess I've made. Life has thrown me a HUGE disaster to clean up and no one has confidence that I'll be able to except for me. Not even my parents. What am I talking about you ask? Well I'm talking about my terrible grades after my first semester and my still not so amazing grades even now. I'm in danger of not graduating. I have faith in myself...my teachers have faith in me (plus they don't want to see me again next year xD) But...my parents DO NOT.
What's up with that? I do everything in life to make them happy and proud. I feel that in order for me to be proud of myself they should have pride in me as well. That just does not seem to be happening though. Even though I have changed my habits so much in the past few months and I have improved my grades they don't believe in me. They have no pride, no trust, no hope that I can make this work. I will do everything I can to prove them wrong. I'm not going to lie though. I'm actually thankful for it. My failing has made me realize what I want to do in my life.
Yes. I love graphic design to pieces. Creating things for other people has always made me happy. Using Photoshop to manipulate photos and logos and banners and ads has always put a smile on my face. But I realize that no matter how much I love it I'd much rather be a hairstylist. It's a social environment. It's a creative outlet. It's a profession that is growing in size and one that will never go away. People will always need to get their hair done. I'd be extremely happy entering that profession.
And what is my family's impression of my new choice? They aren't too fond of it. My grandma looked at me like I was crazy. My parents are dissapointed and think I'm taking the "easy way out". I've always considered becoming a hairstylist. I just never told anyone because I never thought I'd get the balls to do it. But here I am, finally telling everyone, and they go and shut me down hard. I'm going to try to compromise. I'll got to community college for two years so I can get a garaunteed admissions into any college in the state. I'll use those two years to develop my art skills and build a bad ass portfolio. Then I'll go to VCU for design. If I don't like it...I'm out of there. I go to get my cosmetology license and start my hair career with knowledge of business.
Hell I don't even want to do that. I need to figure things out. Maybe community college for business management...or learn how to be a secratary. Whatever ends up happening, I'll end up where I want. To me life should be lived day to day...the past should not be dwelled upon...the future is a mystery and no attempt to predict it should be made. You should live life by the second. Flow like water aroundyour obstacles and find your place and be content. No matter where my life takes me I will always strive for something better. Till I reach a point of total accomplishment. I will discover what I am supposed to do with my life one day and I will just wait for it to arrive.

I suppose this was half rant, half insightful. Well for me it's off to bed. Night Everyone.

Change Happens

I can most definitely feel it happening now. Those little pinwheels have started spinning and the wind is moving things again. I can feel myself changing and my motives becoming more solid. I know that this could end badly, but I'm not afraid anymore. All I'll ever need is with me already. Everything else will be the icing on the cake. I'm ready for this change. I'm prepared. In fact I'm largely the reason it's starting. I'm ready to loose this weight. I'm ready to grow creatively and become a better artist (not in the painting sort of way but that would be fun too). I'm ready to see the world change around me. I'm ready to love and to cry and to sing. My mind is spinning and all I want to do is make myself a better person. I want to challenge the limits of what "normal" is and what is accepted.
Last night I dreamt about the past and remembered what it felt like not to care what others thought. I remembered how I was so driven. How, no matter what, I'd achieve my goal. I'd make it past that finish line. I was invincible. I was amazing and I knew what it was like to not care. I want to be that girl again. With big dreams and wishes and hopes. The girl with so much potential. The girl who KNEW where she was going and never doubted it. I know what I want now. And these changes will only help me.
I'm not afraid anymore and I love this feeling. I can't wait for the New Year. I can't wait to smile and tell my parents my resolutions. I want them to be proud of me and to understand. I know they don't understand it quite yet. I don't know how to explain it to them. I want to crush the stigmas. Break down those barriers. Climb those walls. I will show everyone that you don't have to be a cookie cutter child to make it in life. You can look as conservative or as crazy as you like, as long as you know where you are going in life. That's all anyone needs. A little direction and a comforting hand from friends or family and it will all be made better. All I know is that from now on I will listen to my heart and my head...a balancing act that could take forever to perfect. Either way I will show them. They will understand that it isn't what you wear or the color of your skin or your social standing. You can do whatever you put your mind to.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't let what people say put you down. It may hurt at first. It may make you feel so horrible you'd do anything to hurt that person back. But remember that people will receive what they give and in the end they will be much worse off then they ever imagined. I've finally realized this for myself. You should let this realization happen to you as well.

LIVE LIFE BY THE SECOND

I Hate Being Sick

Especially when everyone keeps telling you they think you have mono... I have always been so careful to avoid drinking after people and stuff like that specifically because I never WANTED to get mono...EVER. Can I possibly stress it any more than that? Gawd...I can barely breathe and I'm reallyreally cold. I can't get warm no matter how hard I try. I hate this T.T
I want to take a shower but I'm afraid I wont be able to breathe with all the steam that'll be in there (I have a closed-in shower btw). Ugh...I can't think guys. Sorry for the short post guys but I'm getting dizzy. =(

I Didn't Think I'd Ever Be So Worried

But apparently I am. My bestie is in the hospital. And not only that he's not feeling all to great emotionally. Which IS NOT good. He get's really depressed when he's sick anyways and add onto it that he was already upset beforehand. God...I'm so worried for him. He doesn't have the will to keep from doing something stupid and I can't be there to reassure him that it will all be okay soon enough. I'm not too sure what else to say...I feel like writing but I just can't put together a coherent thought for anything. Maybe an edit later

HAIR! HAIR! HAIR!

Yup. I LOVE hair. I think that if human evolution decided hair was an unneeded thing and suddenly no one had hair I would kill myself. I'm not joking either. My hair (and that of other for that matter) is the bane of my existence. You're hair has it's own personality and can say A LOT about a person and how they're feeling that day. I am a person who frequently changes it up. I can't keep one hairstyle or color for too long or I get bored with it. Recently I have had a "scene" hairstyle which then progressed to a more "model/fashion forward" hairstyle and now I'm thinking I may go for a more "J-rock" hairstyle. I could definitely have fun with hair like that. Plus I KNOW I wouldn't get bored too quickly with it. >.<

If you want to see some sweet hair go here. I know that I want to get a style more like Shiyuu from the band Serial Number. He has ad some really cute and fun hair styles in the past. But knowing me I'd end up mixing his hairstyles up with some of the styles from An Cafe to make my own creation. But really...that's what it's all about. Making your hair something that represents you. But anyways...I can't wait to get my hair cut now. I'm so stoked. I think I may get it done in a combination of these styles.

The pictures on the right top and bottom are of Shiyuu from Serial Number. The picture on the left top is of Miku from An Cafe and I'm not really sure who the picture on the left bottom is of. I was trying to find a picture of BIS (Believe in Style) because I REALLY like the one guys hair. Sadly I've forgotten his name. But yeah...that's the kind of hair I want. Shiyuu's especially though. His is super fantastically amazing. xDD

YAY HAIR!!! hahaha
I'm so beyond happy right now.

When Your Heart Seems to Slowly Be Dying

I didn't think it would hurt this much. I thought I'd be able to handle it. That I'd overcome these emotions...but apparently my heart is so stubborn that it'd rather be torn to pieces than be happy. I love him way too much and I just can't handle not having him anymore.
I can't make this a long post...my keyboard is already wet with tears.

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So...I'm re-reading this now and wow....it's been about a week since I posted this and really...I sound so horribly emo and depressed. Damn.

Tomorrow is going to be HELL

My dad has decided that having a private clinic for a few people at our barn is a good idea. Well...he was wrong. This place is a fucking mess at the moment and I am HATING it. The stress is really getting to me and gawd...I hate it. Well...I can't type much right now. My mommy wants me to finish up my homework and go home. -_-

Embarrassment Is The Name...Emotions The Game

Embarrassment. What a wondrous word that is. Not really...but we might as well act like it is. So I think I have felt my fair share of this emotion this weekend. First I let Mr. Amazing read my last post...which was about him. Could someone tell me what I was thinking? o.O To make the blushy-flustered embarrassment even worse I was on the phone with him at the time. I barely remember what I wrote and I don't think I was ready to read those things myself much less to let him see them. But it's okay...now that he knows it will make things easier...I think.

So this weekend I (re)discovered a number of things. Myspace is easier to navigate (though I still don't feel like updating mine), Dir en Grey's music just keeps getting better and better, Toshiya shaved half his head T.T (what was he thinking?!), Shinya is even more gorgeous than I remember (you know you agree with me), Miyavi (once again) = sex in my mind, Antique Cafe is absolutely adorable, I supah heartz Katekyo Hitman Reborn, I have a problem with eating when I'm bored, and my little brother is the cutest kid in the world.

I also realized that I weigh the same thing I did 4 years ago when we moved. How is that possible? I mean yeah...it means I'm maintaining a steady weight but wtf? I haven't checked a scale since we moved and when I do nothing has changed. -_- At the same time people kept saying that I was looking thinner. Well I guess that's good...but I still don't like that I haven't actually lost any weight. I barely ever care about it but really...I'm a girl...we have our moments. Time for Sammi to go on a diet/workout thingy. Maybe a membership to the Y will be worth it. I've also debated trying out being a Vegetarian...but I'm not so good without chicken and fish (sushi = mega hearts).
My major realization of the weekend has been that I'm "reverting" back to how I used to be. Just with a bit of a twist. I'm becoming a music loving otaku major again. It makes me happy actually...because with it I have begun to not care what everyone thinks. I didn't realize I had lost that trait until just a little while ago. The only difference from the "old me" is how I dress. It's more stylistic...more me...than I used to dress when I was like this. I love it. I'm so happy to be where I am. I just need to bring my grades up...and bring Mr. Amazing up here for Christmas/New Years...and finish my cosplay. Then all will be good with the world. Now to leave you with some pictures. ^^ (In order: Diru (oldoldoldoldold picture), An Cafe, Miyavi x2, and Reborn)

It's Been Awhile

I feel like I've been so busy I have no time for this. But I will try to keep up with it again >.< Right now I don't have much energy to type everything I could say about the big chunk of my life you all missed. My head is spinning and my eyes hurt and I don't think I should have come to school. The Day-Quil I took this morning hasn't helped at all and I can slowly feel myself becoming more and more distracted by a certain someone I wish I could have for myself. Yeah...lusting/ pining/whatever you want to call it after one of my best friends and the only person I've ever really trusted. Is that so wrong? Maybe...I don't really know to be honest. I miss those days when we'd talk for hours upon hours.
I wouldn't be able to go to sleep till I heard your voice. Which may or may not have been the reason I fell asleep on the phone with you every night. I love you and while I know you'll never read this that's okay. I don't know that I want you to really understand the way I feel. No matter how many things go wrong and how bad things have gotten I've always felt the same. I despise her for taking you away from me and for poisoning my view of everything the moment I heard what happened. But if you find happiness with her I can survive. As long as you are happy and content and TRULY in love and in the moment I can be happy with you and remain your friend. A pillar for you to lean on when things get rough. As much as I want that happiness, that strength, that smile to be because of me I know I can't force that. I can not persuade you to think otherwise.
The feelings should be genuine. And while I know we will always be together it wont be in the way I hope. It will be as a friendship...a friendship so close we could almost be lovers. Almost. I can deal with that...can't I? Have I not done it before? Though at that time I had removed you from my mind (in that way at least). You were simply a friend and nothing more. It seems my heart will not accept this though. Because no matter how hard I try I always end up coming back to you, loving you, wanting you for myself. I kept on hoping to hear those three words that we used to say so often and with so much honesty. I wanted to know that you still loved me. But while I know you love me...to what extent does that love go? Am I really the one for you and you for me? Or am I just wishing upon a dream?
You are the only person who has ever made me act like the silly little high school girl I am and to be honest it terrifies me. The fact that someone can have such a hold on my heart and my body. It is truly terrifying to know that I care for you just that much. That you could probably get me to do just about anything for you with a few words and a smile. Yeah...I guess it's just that bad. I love you and if you ever read this I hope you understand just how much. There are no eloquent words and no carefully planned thoughts here. This is raw emotion...the likes of which I never believe I have. This comes from a slightly drug induced haze where whatever I write is true and pure (for it is in these moments I realize myself). Just trust that and you will know how I really feel. I wish I could say this to you instead of writing it down. But it seems I just don't have the courage to do so.
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Drug induced hazes really do make for some intense writing. I never intended to write all of this...much less to write about what I did. So I'm sure that some of you who read this will know who I'm talking about and I'm fine with that. Most of you should know I've always been this way anyways. Everyone has there someone...it just so happens my someone is a very unlikely one.
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And about a week after writing this I came back and read it. Wow...I don't remember writing any of this but I guess it's true. And scary true at that >.<>