Months of Not Posting

Sorry for that everyone. I've been rather busy with cleaning up this huge mess I've made. Life has thrown me a HUGE disaster to clean up and no one has confidence that I'll be able to except for me. Not even my parents. What am I talking about you ask? Well I'm talking about my terrible grades after my first semester and my still not so amazing grades even now. I'm in danger of not graduating. I have faith in myself...my teachers have faith in me (plus they don't want to see me again next year xD) But...my parents DO NOT.
What's up with that? I do everything in life to make them happy and proud. I feel that in order for me to be proud of myself they should have pride in me as well. That just does not seem to be happening though. Even though I have changed my habits so much in the past few months and I have improved my grades they don't believe in me. They have no pride, no trust, no hope that I can make this work. I will do everything I can to prove them wrong. I'm not going to lie though. I'm actually thankful for it. My failing has made me realize what I want to do in my life.
Yes. I love graphic design to pieces. Creating things for other people has always made me happy. Using Photoshop to manipulate photos and logos and banners and ads has always put a smile on my face. But I realize that no matter how much I love it I'd much rather be a hairstylist. It's a social environment. It's a creative outlet. It's a profession that is growing in size and one that will never go away. People will always need to get their hair done. I'd be extremely happy entering that profession.
And what is my family's impression of my new choice? They aren't too fond of it. My grandma looked at me like I was crazy. My parents are dissapointed and think I'm taking the "easy way out". I've always considered becoming a hairstylist. I just never told anyone because I never thought I'd get the balls to do it. But here I am, finally telling everyone, and they go and shut me down hard. I'm going to try to compromise. I'll got to community college for two years so I can get a garaunteed admissions into any college in the state. I'll use those two years to develop my art skills and build a bad ass portfolio. Then I'll go to VCU for design. If I don't like it...I'm out of there. I go to get my cosmetology license and start my hair career with knowledge of business.
Hell I don't even want to do that. I need to figure things out. Maybe community college for business management...or learn how to be a secratary. Whatever ends up happening, I'll end up where I want. To me life should be lived day to day...the past should not be dwelled upon...the future is a mystery and no attempt to predict it should be made. You should live life by the second. Flow like water aroundyour obstacles and find your place and be content. No matter where my life takes me I will always strive for something better. Till I reach a point of total accomplishment. I will discover what I am supposed to do with my life one day and I will just wait for it to arrive.

I suppose this was half rant, half insightful. Well for me it's off to bed. Night Everyone.

Change Happens

I can most definitely feel it happening now. Those little pinwheels have started spinning and the wind is moving things again. I can feel myself changing and my motives becoming more solid. I know that this could end badly, but I'm not afraid anymore. All I'll ever need is with me already. Everything else will be the icing on the cake. I'm ready for this change. I'm prepared. In fact I'm largely the reason it's starting. I'm ready to loose this weight. I'm ready to grow creatively and become a better artist (not in the painting sort of way but that would be fun too). I'm ready to see the world change around me. I'm ready to love and to cry and to sing. My mind is spinning and all I want to do is make myself a better person. I want to challenge the limits of what "normal" is and what is accepted.
Last night I dreamt about the past and remembered what it felt like not to care what others thought. I remembered how I was so driven. How, no matter what, I'd achieve my goal. I'd make it past that finish line. I was invincible. I was amazing and I knew what it was like to not care. I want to be that girl again. With big dreams and wishes and hopes. The girl with so much potential. The girl who KNEW where she was going and never doubted it. I know what I want now. And these changes will only help me.
I'm not afraid anymore and I love this feeling. I can't wait for the New Year. I can't wait to smile and tell my parents my resolutions. I want them to be proud of me and to understand. I know they don't understand it quite yet. I don't know how to explain it to them. I want to crush the stigmas. Break down those barriers. Climb those walls. I will show everyone that you don't have to be a cookie cutter child to make it in life. You can look as conservative or as crazy as you like, as long as you know where you are going in life. That's all anyone needs. A little direction and a comforting hand from friends or family and it will all be made better. All I know is that from now on I will listen to my heart and my head...a balancing act that could take forever to perfect. Either way I will show them. They will understand that it isn't what you wear or the color of your skin or your social standing. You can do whatever you put your mind to.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't let what people say put you down. It may hurt at first. It may make you feel so horrible you'd do anything to hurt that person back. But remember that people will receive what they give and in the end they will be much worse off then they ever imagined. I've finally realized this for myself. You should let this realization happen to you as well.

LIVE LIFE BY THE SECOND

What!? There were boys over last night?

So last night my oh so wonderful (can you feel the sarcasm dripping from this comment) sister invited over this guy from my school. She had never actually met him before and she had only started talking to him about 3 days before that. Needless to say I was worried. Not to mention paranoid that we'd all get caught. My parents are out of town and that leaves us to do as we please...kinda. We do have people that live on the same property as us and it makes it difficult to do any teenage rebellion sorts of things...but it happens. Quite frequently actually.
But back to the story. Well she invites this guy over and it turns out he's in one of my classes so immediately I wasn't nearly as freaked but I was still uncomfortable because I wasn't a part of the crowd he was. To add to the awkwardness my best friend (practically my little sister) invites the guy over that she's been trying to holler at and he brings one of his friends. So now I have 3 boys over that I specifically remember saying couldn't be there...but they still were. What was I going to do now but pop in a movie (Saw IV to be exact) and hope that things wouldn't get freak nasty any time soon. Hahaha.
We managed to avoid any bad behavior through the entire movie, maybe that was because all the girls were too busy cringing at the gore, and make it about another half an hour before things started to get bad. My friends "boyfriend" started to get really rude and disgusting. He started eating all my food and farting everywhere (EWW!) and saying really inappropriate things to both my sister and me. He was really starting to get on my last nerve so I started to bitch...and that just made things worse. His insults were then completely focused on me and I hate to be messed with. I got so angry that I walked out of the room to my own and locked the door. Of course he couldn't drop it so he came to my door and continued to harass me.
I was (of course) expecting my friend to say something like she always does, but she seemed to almost encourage it this time around. I was so upset I was about to cry/scream/start throwing punches at him. That's when I told them to leave. He seemed pretty offended but I was SO done with him being in my house and eating MY food and acting like a complete jerk to his HOST. Naturally it took him another 30 minutes to leave (probably more) but I was glad to see him go. Not so much his friend though. That boy had been cute...and he liked my little puppy. Fred* had practically kicked the poor baby around like a soccer ball. -_-
Once they left my sisters "friend" stayed for about another 3 hours and I passed out on my bed. I was probably snoring like crazy since I've had a serious lack of rest lately, but whatever. I was just glad the night was over. Wow...that was eventful...and horribly stressful. I hope I don't go through that again anytime soon. Thanks for tuning into my rant. hahaha

-Sammi G-

P.S. No pictures this time around...hopefully there will be some later.

*Names have been changed and will be changed in every post. Don't want people getting angry now do we?