It's Been Awhile

I feel like I've been so busy I have no time for this. But I will try to keep up with it again >.< Right now I don't have much energy to type everything I could say about the big chunk of my life you all missed. My head is spinning and my eyes hurt and I don't think I should have come to school. The Day-Quil I took this morning hasn't helped at all and I can slowly feel myself becoming more and more distracted by a certain someone I wish I could have for myself. Yeah...lusting/ pining/whatever you want to call it after one of my best friends and the only person I've ever really trusted. Is that so wrong? Maybe...I don't really know to be honest. I miss those days when we'd talk for hours upon hours.
I wouldn't be able to go to sleep till I heard your voice. Which may or may not have been the reason I fell asleep on the phone with you every night. I love you and while I know you'll never read this that's okay. I don't know that I want you to really understand the way I feel. No matter how many things go wrong and how bad things have gotten I've always felt the same. I despise her for taking you away from me and for poisoning my view of everything the moment I heard what happened. But if you find happiness with her I can survive. As long as you are happy and content and TRULY in love and in the moment I can be happy with you and remain your friend. A pillar for you to lean on when things get rough. As much as I want that happiness, that strength, that smile to be because of me I know I can't force that. I can not persuade you to think otherwise.
The feelings should be genuine. And while I know we will always be together it wont be in the way I hope. It will be as a friendship...a friendship so close we could almost be lovers. Almost. I can deal with that...can't I? Have I not done it before? Though at that time I had removed you from my mind (in that way at least). You were simply a friend and nothing more. It seems my heart will not accept this though. Because no matter how hard I try I always end up coming back to you, loving you, wanting you for myself. I kept on hoping to hear those three words that we used to say so often and with so much honesty. I wanted to know that you still loved me. But while I know you love me...to what extent does that love go? Am I really the one for you and you for me? Or am I just wishing upon a dream?
You are the only person who has ever made me act like the silly little high school girl I am and to be honest it terrifies me. The fact that someone can have such a hold on my heart and my body. It is truly terrifying to know that I care for you just that much. That you could probably get me to do just about anything for you with a few words and a smile. Yeah...I guess it's just that bad. I love you and if you ever read this I hope you understand just how much. There are no eloquent words and no carefully planned thoughts here. This is raw emotion...the likes of which I never believe I have. This comes from a slightly drug induced haze where whatever I write is true and pure (for it is in these moments I realize myself). Just trust that and you will know how I really feel. I wish I could say this to you instead of writing it down. But it seems I just don't have the courage to do so.
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Drug induced hazes really do make for some intense writing. I never intended to write all of this...much less to write about what I did. So I'm sure that some of you who read this will know who I'm talking about and I'm fine with that. Most of you should know I've always been this way anyways. Everyone has there someone...it just so happens my someone is a very unlikely one.
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And about a week after writing this I came back and read it. Wow...I don't remember writing any of this but I guess it's true. And scary true at that >.<>